TOUCH THE EVIDENCE
Nothing happened. That is exactly what it wants you to think.
Useful / Useless No. 2: The Wooden Spoon
Five uses. One threat. Zero batteries.
PRESS FOR REASSURANCE
Too late. You are already reading Broken Zine.
USEFUL: stirring soup.
USEFUL: rescuing pasta from boiling water when all other utensils are dirty.
QUESTIONABLE: pointing at someone during an argument to add rustic authority.
USELESS: measuring anything with precision.
POWERFUL: leaving it across the top of a pot as if this proves you understand cooking.
Final rating: 8/10. Ancient technology. Excellent silhouette. Still undefeated by apps.
MARCY COIL
Marcy Coil tests ordinary objects for usefulness, uselessness, emotional leverage, and unexpected second careers.
Push something. The magazine is poorly supervised.
PUSH THE WEIRD BUTTON
A small bureaucrat somewhere just stamped APPROVED FOR NONSENSE.