WASHINGTON — Republican strategists have reportedly concluded that the surest path to restoring national confidence is to remind Americans that meat is not merely dinner but a constitutional mood.
The decision follows an increasingly visible midterm argument over beef prices, meat consumption and which party can most convincingly demonstrate that it has personally wrestled a steer before breakfast.
Under the emerging message, steak will symbolize prosperity, hamburgers will represent freedom, and any mention of lentils will be treated as a suspicious foreign influence.
“The voter needs to know that someone is protecting the grill,” said a fictional consultant wearing a quarter-zip over a shirt embroidered with the words Protein Caucus. “There are families out there wondering whether their elected officials truly understand brisket.”
The campaign has already produced a new hierarchy of patriotic foods. Ribeye ranks highest, followed by bacon, smoked sausage and anything served on butcher paper. Chicken remains acceptable but is considered insufficiently committed. Tofu has been referred to committee.
Democrats, meanwhile, have complicated the strategy by pointing out that beef prices are high, forcing Republicans to defend both the affordability of meat and the spiritual necessity of buying more of it.
Economists cautioned that cattle markets involve feed costs, weather, trade, transportation and supply constraints. They were immediately removed from the conversation for making the issue less useful.
The Department of Agriculture is rumored to be considering a new food pyramid consisting entirely of a photograph of a man standing beside a smoker with his arms folded.
At press time, vegetables had released a joint statement saying they had no political affiliation and would like to stop being dragged into this.
