TOUCH THE EVIDENCE
Nothing happened. That is exactly what it wants you to think.
Local Poet Declared Missing After Reading Submission Guidelines to the End
Witnesses say the writer was last seen somewhere between the third formatting requirement and the clause about simultaneous submissions.
PRESS FOR REASSURANCE
Too late. You are already reading Broken Zine.
A local poet was reported missing Tuesday after attempting to read a literary magazine’s submission guidelines from beginning to end, according to friends and several increasingly worried members of a writing group.
The poet, 34, was last seen entering a section labeled “A Few Simple Rules” at approximately 9:12 p.m.
“At first everything seemed normal,” said one witness. “No previously published work, twelve-point font, sure. Then the page kept going.”
Search teams have been dispatched to the subsection concerning bio length, where investigators discovered a cold cup of tea and a browser tab containing the phrase “please include third-person pronouns but no identifying information.”
Authorities urged writers not to attempt the guidelines alone.
The publication has expressed concern and extended its reading period by four minutes.
RUBY MORROW
Ruby Morrow reports from the narrow strip of pavement between public relations and complete social collapse.
Push something. The magazine is poorly supervised.
PUSH THE WEIRD BUTTON
A small bureaucrat somewhere just stamped APPROVED FOR NONSENSE.